I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
