My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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