The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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