I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
