I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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