on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
