As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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