I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
