I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
