Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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