I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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