Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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