Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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