so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize