I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
