I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
