i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
