i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He shit in the fireplace
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