babies were throwing up all over the place
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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