I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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