I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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