Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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