That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize