just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
