Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
