so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
