...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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