I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I booty called her while she was in labor.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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