His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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