I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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