Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
