the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
