Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
