ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
