Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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