New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
