Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
