My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
