No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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