Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
