either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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