I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
