i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we're making bets on your personal life
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
