I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
