very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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