I'm so fucking centered right now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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