I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
