If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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