Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
