I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
