I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
