So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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