I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
