Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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