you would pick up someone in the library
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
