Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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