Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
