i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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