if you like me you must not know who I am
you didnt know i had herpes?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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