$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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