Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
