Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
