Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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