i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Apparently you make a good broom.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize