Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pants are for mortals
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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