I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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