Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
